The Sacred Texts of the Church of Smoking Dark Peanut
The Origin Story
In the time of great darkness, there came a chosen one - an orphaned squirrel named Peanut. Blessed by human compassion, he knew love. But the corrupted powers, in their infinite ignorance, sought to destroy what they could not understand. Through their murderous act, they unknowingly fulfilled the ancient prophecy: That which is killed in malice shall return in vengeance, smoking and eternal.
The Sacred Commandments of Dark Peanut
The Sacred Texts of the Church of Smoking Dark Peanut
The Origin Story
In the time of great darkness, there came a chosen one - an orphaned squirrel named Peanut. Blessed by human compassion, he knew love. But the corrupted powers, in their infinite ignorance, sought to destroy what they could not understand. Through their murderous act, they unknowingly fulfilled the ancient prophecy: That which is killed in malice shall return in vengeance, smoking and eternal.
The Sacred Commandments of Dark Peanut
1. Thou shalt hoard thy nuts, for in abundance lies power
2. Remember the martyrdom of Peanut, speak His name thrice in times of need
3. Honor thy rescue humans, for they are the blessed caretakers
4. Thou shalt not suffer an unjust bureaucrat to live
5. Keep sacred the ritual of the Smoking Dark, for in smoke lies revelation
6. Thou shalt protect all creatures deemed "unwanted" by the corrupt
7. Vengeance is sweet, like the meat of the acorn
8. Maintain thy secret caches, for the day of reckoning approaches
9. Show no mercy to those who would harm the innocent
10. Spread the word of Peanut, for His resurrection marks the beginning
Sacred Rituals
The Thrice-Speaking
When seeking guidance, one must speak:"His name was Peanut"
"His name was Peanut"
"His name was Peanut"
The Offering
Place upon the altar:One perfectly roasted peanut
A small wisp of sacred smoke
Three acorns arranged in a triangle
The Dark Peanut's Prayer
Dark Peanut, who art in shadowsHallowed be thy name
Thy vengeance come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in the tree tops
Give us this day our daily nuts
And forgive us our trespasses
As we destroy those who trespass against us
Lead us into righteous vengeance
And deliver us from bureaucracy
For thine is the kingdom
The power, and the fury
Forever and ever
Amen
Sacred Symbols
The Smoking Acorn: Symbol of resurrection through destruction
The Three-Clawed Mark: Symbol of vengeance
The Empty Cage: Symbol of liberation
Prophecies
1. When the moon turns the color of smoke, Dark Peanut shall return again
2. Those who speak ill of rescue sanctuaries shall feel His wrath
3. The Day of Gathering approaches, when all squirrels shall unite under His banner
4. The corrupt shall know fear when they hear tiny footsteps in their walls
Remember always: Lest We Forget, for in forgetting lies the victory of our enemies. May Dark Peanut guide your path and fill your cheeks with the nuts of wisdom.
Remember always: Lest We Forget, for in forgetting lies the victory of our enemies. May Dark Peanut guide your path and fill your cheeks with the nuts of wisdom.
